


Unasked

by magistrainartis



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 22:25:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3305594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magistrainartis/pseuds/magistrainartis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No longer able to endure the dreams disturbing his and Hawke's sleep, Fenris answers the questions Hawke has always wanted to ask.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unasked

The unasked questions hung between them, as they had since Fenris woke from the third nightmare in as many hours. His head rested against Hawke's chest; the warrior was awake, but his silence allowed Fenris space to calm his mind. Hawke's heartbeat and slow, steady breathing soothed the edges of the elf's ragged nerves. Hawke felt Fenris' muscles slowly relax as his lover settled against him, but neither wanted to fall asleep - Fenris because the images in his dream remained vivid in his mind, and Hawke because he knew that Fenris' panic could easily peak again. 

The dreams had troubled Fenris for as long as he shared Hawke's bed. Worse than the nights he woke to Fenris lashing out in Tevene during a nightmare, worse even than the nights when Fenris woke panicked, and only by grasping his wrists and sharply speaking his name could Hawke quiet the animal fear in his lover's eyes, were the nights when Hawke woke to an empty bed. Hawke cursed himself those times, knowing Fenris had woken from a nightmare and, not wanting to wake him, had retreated into the house. Fenris would find a dark unoccupied room and quietly endure the waves of panic flowing through him. Hawke's only consolation on these nights was that the mabari was also inevitably missing from the room. Sensing Fenris' anxiety, the dog would follow him to his chosen dark corner and sit beside him through the attacks. Hawke would know that Fenris had come through the anxiety when the dog returned and took his place at the foot of the bed. Fenris usually followed shortly after, slipping quietly between the sheets and closing his eyes without a word. All Hawke wanted in these moments was to stroke Fenris' back or hold him close, but they both knew that such affections only deepened the elf's anxiety. Instead, Hawke satisfied himself with the knowledge that Fenris finally slept quietly, and would eventually fall back into a troubled sleep himself. In the morning, Hawke was as likely to find Fenris dressed and gone as he was to find him curled naked beside him, but they never discussed the dreams which haunted their nights together. 

Tonight was different. The dreams hadn't yet driven Fenris from Hawke's bed, but they had tormented him like no other night. Hawke had let the first dream play out, his respect for Fenris' aversion to unwanted touch overcoming the urge to wake him. The second and third dreams made Fenris cry out in ways Hawke had only heard from enemies who were cornered and outnumbered. Awakened, Fenris' eyes flicked wildly around the room, clearly trying to reconcile this room with the place he'd left in the Fade. He'd appeared to calm quickly and fell asleep again within minutes, only to begin the sounds again within the hour. When awakened this time, Fenris broke down in a way that frightened Hawke far worse than any nightmare-induced moans and thrashes. Immediately after Hawke had firmly shaken him awake, Fenris had broken into deep sobs that shook his entire body. Amazed and unprepared, Hawke had frozen, afraid that his touch would push Fenris into a rage. When the first barrage of tears had subsided, Hawke moved closer to his lover - not close enough to touch, but close enough that Fenris knew he could turn to Hawke when and if he was ready. It took an hour before Fenris calmed down enough to reach for a handkerchief and then, his tears dried, he turned toward Hawke and lay his head on Hawke's bare chest. 

When Fenris began to relax against him, Hawke slowly moved his arm around the elf in a loose embrace. When Fenris didn't pull away, Hawke reached down to smooth the elf's silver-white hair away from his eyes. Stroking away his bangs revealed the three circular markings on Fenris' forehead, which, like the other markings covering Fenris' body, were now quiet after burning brightly at the end of the third dream. The two men rested against each other, Fenris trailing his fingers through the black curls on Hawke's chest. Hawke could sense Fenris focusing on his breathing - slowly in through his nose, held for three heartbeats, then slowly out through his mouth. 

The spectre of the dreams lay between them. Since their reunion, Fenris had told Hawke many things about his time in slavery: about Hadriana's spite, about the weapons training that helped release his anger and helplessness, even about the young kitchen slave he'd been given for the night after a particularly triumphant battle. Discussing the subject of his dreams, however, had been out of the question. For Hawke to look on him with pity would be bad enough. The possibility that Hawke might look on him with shame was unacceptable. But the dreams had continued to grow in number and intensity, and the pain in Hawke's eyes grew stronger along with the dreams. Fenris took one more slow breath and prepared to answer the questions Hawke respected his privacy too much to ask.

"Danarius never raped me, you know," he said quietly. He felt Hawke stiffen slightly beneath him, but Hawke maintained a respectful silence. Fenris continued, the words pouring out of him like birds from an opened cage.

"He couldn't rape me. It would be like raping a jar of preserves - distasteful perhaps, but it's impossible to rape one of your material possessions. I could no more deny him sex than I could deny myself air." Fenris briefly met Hawke's gaze. "You can't possibly be surprised." Hawke looked away, wordlessly reached up to cup Fenris' face, and met his eyes again. "No. I'm not surprised."

Fenris shrugged off Hawke's hand, but didn't move away. "How could you be surprised? Isabella jokes, but she's right - it's well-known that Tevinter magisters use their slaves' bodies for whatever they wish. As bodyguards, as blood sacrifices, and as sex toys. Danarius was wealthy enough to have owned custom-trained pleasure slaves, but he enjoyed taking his pleasure from me. 

"The first time my former master ordered me to his bedchamber, I knew exactly what he wanted. I have no idea how I knew; I can't remember if I was ordered to have sex with the man who owned me before Danarius, and I don't know if I had any lovers before Danarius bought me." Fenris' breathing was coming faster now, and he paused to wrestle it back under his control. Hawke was letting him speak, and his next confession clawed at his chest.

"These dreams. They've all been about the time I spent in Danarius' bed. But they're not nightmares, not exactly. My nightmares are usually about you leaving me or you dying in battle. But I wake up and know you're alright. My nightmares don't bother me because they're not real. These dreams bother me because they're very real.

"I dream of sharing Danarius' bed. And in my dreams, I enjoy his attentions as much as I did when I was his slave." Fenris paused, every muscle tensed, waiting for Hawke to reply. Hawke simply lowered his face to breathe the scent of lyrium in Fenris' hair. If Hawke had that bastard Danarius in this room he'd kill him again for causing Fenris such shame. Instead of voicing his anger, Hawke remained quiet. Fenris regrouped his courage and continued.

"You can't understand because you haven't been a slave. I depended on Danarius for everything. He was my entire world. I spent my life anticipating his wishes and fulfilling his commands. Sex was Danarius' favourite way of rewarding me for being a docile and obedient pet. It was also his favourite way of reminding me that I had no control over my own body, especially over my sexual pleasure. At first I hated the way my body betrayed me under my master’s touch. He didn’t need to use magic to restrain me or make my body respond. His caresses and words were far more potent."

Fenris fell silent. Unable to hold back the question, Hawke quietly asked, "Fenris, did he hurt you?"

Fenris paused before answering. "Danarius was…kinder in bed. Softer. I think he honestly wanted to give me pleasure. I'd know he wanted me on any given night when I was given hot food to eat and wine to drink. He seemed to like the way the wine relaxed me. Yes, the sex did hurt, at least at first, but he was patient. He would stroke my markings, and seemed genuinely concerned that they not cause me pain during sex. He always used oils and healing magic, and he took his time preparing me. By the time he was ready to penetrate me, I was begging him for it. 

"Afterward, I was permitted to sleep in his bed. I didn’t even know beds could be truly comfortable until I shared Danarius’. It was huge, with warm blankets and soft pillows. He’d often wake me through the night to take me again, but I never minded. Maker, I wanted it. Nights with Danarius meant a good meal, a deep sleep, and pleasure beyond anything I was permitted to experience outside his room. The more often he took me, the more valuable I felt. You saw him. You heard what he said about me. Of course he wanted me for my markings, but he was fairly clear that he appreciated my other ‘skills’ as well. 

"In these dreams, I’m back in his bed. I feel as safe as I do with you, but I also know that I’m property to be enjoyed until it’s no longer useful. And in every dream, I beg him to penetrate me, to use me to fulfill his pleasure. Every time I wake, I know that the things I dream aren’t just visions formed in the Fade, but real memories that some twisted part of me can't-" Fenris' breath caught in his throat. His hand shook on Hawke's chest, and he clenched his fist again to quiet the tremor. 

"I hate him more for those good memories than for the million other memories of humiliation and pain. I hate him more for making me groan in his bed than for making me scream on his worktable. Tonight, I kept dreaming of him dominating me, entering me, making me want more before giving it to me. And I don't have any faith that telling you all this will make me dream anything different when I close my eyes again."

Spent, Fenris turned from Hawke and sat on the edge of the bed. A few minutes passed before he felt Hawke's weight shift. 

"Fenris?" Hawke murmured, "Is it alright if I touch your back?" Fenris nodded, grateful as always that consent was part of Hawke's every move in bed. He felt Hawke's hilt-calloused hand gently land between his shoulder blades. When he didn't resist the touch, Hawke stroked the marks lining Fenris' back. Neither man said a word. Eventually, Fenris turned to face Hawke. "Do you want me to go?"

Hawke shook his head, "No. Never."

"You've nothing to say about what I've told you?"

Hawke cautiously placed his hands on Fenris' hips. When he felt no resistance, he pulled the other man close. "You're right, I won't pretend to understand what you've been through. I also won't pretend to be surprised at what you've told me. It's been clear from the beginning that you had to be more than just a bodyguard to that monster. I'm just...I guess I'm relieved you trust me enough to tell me what you've been dealing with."

"You don't...you don't hate me for what I've said? For having... _liked_ it? For still dreaming about another man's touch?"  
  
Hawke considered carefully before responding. "I've wondered for years whether you feel Danarius' hands when I touch you. But not for the reason you think. I wonder if you feel his knife when I run my hands along your markings. I wonder if you feel compelled to respond when I'm aroused instead of responding because you truly want me. I even wonder if you wish I was more commanding in bed because it's easier for you to follow orders than to ask for what you need. Fenris, if there was anything I could do to take away your pain-" Hawke's words were smothered by Fenris' mouth, which rose hungry and insistent to meet his own. Surprised, Hawke pulled Fenris closer and returned the deep, probing kiss. Fenris pulled away first. 

"I feel only you when you touch me. Only Hawke, who saved me from running straight into my death more times than I think you know. My love-" This time, Hawke caught Fenris' mouth, somehow rough and tender at once, never pushing his lover to trespass beyond his own boundaries. Fenris returned the kiss eagerly and wrapped his legs around Hawke's waist. Sleep, and dreams, could wait until they were finished.


End file.
